My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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