And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
