Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
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He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
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I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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