Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
