end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
my sisters under your porch take her home
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
