I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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