I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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