Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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