i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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