my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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