I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
