My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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