I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Life is so much better after having sex.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
