My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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