last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
