I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize