You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
