i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
