the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
