so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
