Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
