I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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