I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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