Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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