Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
