I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
