I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
My bed is full of blood and feathers
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
