I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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