You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
