I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
