I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
