you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
