the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
