me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
