you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
