we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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