They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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