im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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