I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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