Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
