I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
