I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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