I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
