I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
