Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Randomize
