i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
