I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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