Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
