I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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