Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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