At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
