And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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